My blanket's in the dryer

"Change is inevitable, except from vending machines." Unknown

I agree completely.

Growth, on the other hand, is not.

"We do not grow absolutely..... We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially..... We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations." Anais Nin

When I look back at the "layers" of growth in my life I think I've found that most of the time the catalyst was change and I usually fought it in the beginning.

As Marilyn Ferguson once said, "It's not so much that we're afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it's that place in between that we fear . . . . It's like being between trapezes. It's Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. There's nothing to hold on to."

Right now my blanket is in the dryer. I've found myself with little to hold on to.

Periodically, I build these layers of reflection while in the midst of living my life. It's usually not real deep. It's more about the highlights for me. In between these thinly padded layers of contemplation and reflection, I'm busy spending my time actually living life-- up on the citadel; back down again. I've been to the mountain tops-- where hope, faith, joy, confidence and encouragement were my companions. I've also been to the valleys; where fear, doubt, discouragement and pain were stalking me. This life is much like a roller coaster I'm not sure I agreed to get on but it's one I don't think anyone has successfully avoided. There are ebbs and flows in life and the trick is -- don't let it allude you.

Why? Call it a chapter in a book, if you will. But there will be many, many changes for every single individual - both internal and external changes, controllable and uncontrollable, expected and unexpected -- until the day of death. The truth is you may have nothing to hold onto, but your answer is warming up. It's in the dryer. I'm not so sure that's the best analogy but let's just say, for the point of conversation, that every one of us needs a blanket or atleast something secure to hold onto -- and for the point of conversation, this would be like Charlie Brown's good friend Linus's beautifully blue blanket.

My blanket's in the dryer. It's warming up and although I'm excited, I feel a bit uncovered as I'm sure Linus would without his blue pal.

The last few years in Budapest have been rich with purpose, people and challenges as well. As I look at returning to the West Coast in 2009, I'm looking through a photo journal filled with glimpses of a life I've built here in a land that is far from home. Two and a half years is a long time. When you leave the things you've invested your life into, there's a part of you that realizes you are walking into a new place with nothing. No blanket. No experience to define you. Don't get me wrong. I actually despise the thought of needing an experience to define me. But how much will I carry back with me in that blanket? The people I've known, loved and carried in my heart will return with me but it will be different, just as it always is different when you leave one place for another. That, to me, sucks sometimes. I don't think I like that part of change.

My point of growth came this summer when I had to ask myself a very difficult question. As much as I love it here, did I truly forsee myself building and living in this place for a lifetime? No, I did not see myself living here for a lifetime, atleast not now. And staying any longer would only prolong the inevitable and be harder to tear away. When I look back to the time I first mentioned moving to Budapest, I casually said 2-3 years. And that's exactly what it will be - 2.5 years.

Yet, like a child, this is where I want my candy bar before dinner. I left my native born country to live among a people I'd only seen glimpses of in my dad's mom. Yet now I want to take them back with me. I was and still am brimming over with hope for a people I somehow feel connected to after almost three years. Letting go is never easy to do.

And then I realized something.

Because I'm leaving, there are Hungarians who will also be moving -- moving forward, moving on. Forward in their faith and in their weight within the context of our small Christian community. Anthony J. D'Angelo once said, "Become a student of change. It is the only thing that will remain constant." And I find I'm learning that this might be good. And then these words ring true. So the choice is mine. I must choose to look at the situation honestly and realize that not only my life but those I had hoped to build with here will be affected in a good way. This is how character is built, right?

It was Harriet Lerner who said, "Although the connections are not always obvious, personal change is inseparable from social and political change." It's here that I resolve myself to realize what once was understood to be merely a flat world later became clearly round. And the place that seems like the end of the road, at least in some of my moments of reflection, may also be the beginning of spectacular things. Yep. My blanket's in the dryer.